Freaky Search Friday – November 6, 2009 Edition

A picture of Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009, his tall period

Had a wedding today, so my schedule is totally whacked.  I almost missed Freaky Search Friday.  Here they are in all their spectacular glory, the search terms loveable freaks used to find my blog.  Remember, I don’t correct spelling or grammar.  They are how they is.  Enjoy!  BTW – I gave the shirtless celebrities a break.  There were a bunch of them, but it’s no fun including them week after week. 

10. how to be a successful husband – I can help you.  Click here.  A lot of women thought I was being totally condescending and disrespectful.  I wasn’t at all.  I seriously mean to say that I am an idiot who deservedly gets myself in trouble every time I open my mouth or tries to do something on my own.  An example:  My wife can’t have cheese or dairy of any kind.  I bought a “natural” packaged pasta dish thinking she would like it because it was natural.  Never mind that the word cheese was in the actual name of the dish.  We’ve been married for almost 13 years.  I am not that bright.  Remember, be wrong a lot.   

9. chinny photos – I thought I made up a word this week when I called my author photo chinny.  Apparently, chinny is an actual condition.

8. too many facial tattoos – One is too many.

7. did faries exested – I’m about to blow your mind.  Nothing ever exested.  Think about it. 

6. p90x manboobs – What women should know about men.  We don’t mind being fat.  We just don’t like the man boobs phenomenon that comes with the extra pounds.  Beachbody.com (the makers of P90X) should do a 90 day program on how to get rid of unsightly man breasts.  It would be a huge seller. 

5. free naked pics of zak bagans – I’m thinking Zak should be insulted by this search.  Is it not worth at least a couple of dollars to see him naked?  How’s he supposed to be able to afford those tiny shirts he wears if he’s not making some extra scratch from naked pics?  Ghost hunting doesn’t pay that much, people.  Have a heart.

4. tall jeff goldblum, sept, 2009 – As opposed to short Jeff Goldblum.  Was he taller in September 2009 than any other time in his life? 

3. I want to see Ryan Buell nude – I’m endlessly fascinated by the specificity of some people’s searches.  They’re not just searching for a nude image of Ryan Buell.  They want the search engine to know that they specifically want to see Ryan Buell nude.  As if to say, “Work harder, search engine, because I want to see Ryan Buell nude.  I and I alone!”

2. girl face – Talk about someone who doesn’t have a type.  They’re just looking for a girl with a face.  Can you say, easy to please?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. gigantically man – See Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009.

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What is a writer worth? (Repost… because I’m lazy like that.)

The typical scene after a writer cashes his first royalty check.

So what does a blogger do when he runs out of things to say?  He reposts old blog entries.  This is from February 12, 2008, the day John Scalzi shook my world and actually announced how much money he made as writer.  Totally insane and undeniably educational!

Ever wonder what a working writer makes? Wonder no more. John Scalzi, winner of the John W. Campbell Award and a Hugo Award nominee, gives a very revealing look into the finances of a working writer. Along with letting you peer into his wallet, he also gives you some salient advice on how to manage your money and stay out of credit hell. Here’s an excerpt:

It’s possible to make a good amount of money as a writer. Most writers don’t. You should assume, strictly for business purposes, that you won’t, or at the very least, won’t for a very long time. It’s not all about you, it’s also about the market. Don’t get defensive. The median personal income in the US in 2005 was $28,500. You have a lot of company in the bottom half.

It’s a long article (or posting or whatever you call a blog entry), but it is well worth the read. John is a very successful writer. The key to his success is beyond being an exceptional novelist he is also a gun for hire. By his own admission, he will write most anything as long as the money is good. Click here to read the entire post, and I would also make it a habit to visit John’s blog on a regular basis. He’s got a lot to say and most of it is worth listening to.

If you’ve never read any of Scalzi’s books, I recommend Old Man’s War. It’s a military sci-fi novel, but the writing is good enough to make it enjoyable even if you’re not into that particular genre.

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My newer new author’s photo, not quite so chinny…

 

new author pic

Photo number 105 of the evening. This is my response to, "Look natural!"

…but something is clearly very fascinating to me out of frame.  The photo I posted yesterday (see below) was swiftly nixed, rebuked, torpedoed, iced, virtually torn to shreds, etc., and so forth and so on.  Apparently, I don’t know an unacceptable picture of me when I see it. 

 

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My new author’s photo is very chinny

authors photo

Raised eyebrow? Check. Scowl? Check. Square chin impression? Check.

I have no idea what I was thinking, so I can’t give you a reason for the dour expression.  Let’s hope I don’t have to shoot more pictures.  I hate it… oh, wait.  Now I know what I was thinking.  BTW – don’t forget to join the Lost Days Facebook Group to find out more about a couple of laptops I’m giving away, and maybe even see more chinny pictures of me.

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I’ve decided to give away 2 laptops (netbooks)

lost-days-4b-web

Read a book! Win a laptop computer!

I have two bits of news in regards to the Lost Days free laptop contest.

1.  It is now the Lost Days free laptops contest, as in plural, as in two.  I’ve decided that one is not enough.   The first laptop drawing will be for everyone.  Same rules apply.  The second laptop will be for the top 10 people with the most Spread the Word Bonus Points.  What are Spread the Word Bonus Points?  Simple, whenever someone joins the Lost Days Facebook Group and leaves a comment saying “I’m a fan because (your name) sent me.”  You get a Spread the Word Bonus Point (provided you answer the qualifying question correctly).  To give everyone amble time to get the word out, I am holding the second drawing on January 17.   BTW – You can start spreading the word now.

2. Because of the addition of the second laptop drawing and a proof that I have decided to… repurpose, I am pushing everything back at least a week.   I’m still sending out the free ARCs, but it will be next week.  The qualifying question will be posted on November 16.  The drawing for the first laptop will be on January 10.  You will need to get the qualifying question by January 4.

Important Dates Recap:

1. Qualifying question will be posted on the Lost Days Facebook Group wall on November 16

2. Answers to Qualifying question must be in by midnight (ET) on January 4.

3. Drawing for everyone that provided the correct answer to the qualifying question is on January 10

4. Drawing for the top 10 people with the most Spread the Word Bonus Points will be January 17.

There you have it, two chances to win.  Just join the Lost Days Facebook Group and get in on the fun!

*Note – You can only win one laptop.  If you win the general drawing, you won’t be included in the Spread the Word Bonus Point drawing.

** 2nd Note – Remember, the answer to the qualifying question will be located in both the book and on the blog.  No purchase is necessary, but the book will be available for sale on Amazon in case you’re interested.

 

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Lost Days – Post 36

lost-days-4b-web

Read a book! Win a laptop computer!

This is the 36th installment of my new book, Lost Days.  The Advance Reader Copies have been printed and are on their way to me.  I’ve giving some free copies out to the folks who have joined the Lost Days Facebook group.  They’re also the only ones eligible to enter a drawing for a free laptop computer.  Join the group today and get in on the fun!

“What do you mean we can’t go out with Danny and Joyner?” Denise was screaming.

“It’s complicated,” I said into the phone.  “Just trust me.”

“Trust you?”  There was panic in her voice.  “You’ve been acting really weird lately, Hayl.  How am I supposed to trust you?”

I sighed.  “I can’t really go into it now…”

“No,” she roared.  “I’m going.  This is my one chance to get out of the social dungeon I’ve been in my whole life.  I’m not passing it up just because you have cold feet.”

“You’re not going, Denise,” I was so stern I almost convinced myself I could prevent her from going.

She wasn’t buying it.  She laughed.  “What?  You can’t tell me what to do.  I’m going.  Be a bitch and stay home!” She hung up the phone. 

I looked at the receiver for a few seconds before I hung it up.  My grandparents didn’t have anything as high tech as a cordless phone, so I’d been tethered to the kitchen wall throughout the entire conversation.  Nana Taffy was at the sink washing dishes.  She was dying to know what was going on, but to her credit she didn’t ask.  She pretended to be so wrapped up in removing the grease from a frying pan that she didn’t have time to take interest in my squabbles with my silly friends.

I jumped when the phone rang shortly after I hung up.  I picked up the receiver.  “Hello.”

“Comet?” a familiar voice said. 

“Dad?” I asked, but I knew it was him.  He was the only one in the world who called me comet.  I hated it, and I hated him.  I was in disbelief when I heard his voice. 

“Yep, it’s me.  How are you, comet?”

“Fine,” I said not really caring if it was the truth or not.  I didn’t like discussing any part of my life with my father.

“I tried calling your cell phone a couple of times, but I could never get through.”

“Maybe because I don’t have a cell phone,” I said gritting my teeth together.  I couldn’t believe how little he knew about me.

“Really?  Since when?”

“Since never,” I said.

“Really?”

“Is there a reason you called,” I snapped.

“Yes, I’m your father.  That’s why I called.”

“Whatever,” I said.

“Don’t get smart with me, young lady.  Your mother called me.  She’s concerned about your living situation.  She thought it might be a good idea if you and your brother stayed with me for awhile.”

I was too busy processing what he said to answer. 

“It’s just not a good time for me, honey.  I’d love nothing more.  It’s just with work… things are really crazy.”

I laughed.  I was confused, relieved, and devastated all at once. 

“Tell your mother for me, will you?  I have to go, comet.  I love you.”  He hung up. 

I stood against the kitchen wall with the phone to my ear long after the call ended.  He didn’t even ask to talk to Grover. 

Mom walked into kitchen and looked at me with a puzzled expression.  “Who are you talking to?”

I didn’t understand the question until I heard the dial tone.  I slammed the phone on the cradle.  “You’re stuck with us,” I said trying to sound like I didn’t care that she was trying to pawn us off on dad.

“What?” she asked.

“Dad said things are too crazy at work right now.  He can’t take Grover and me off your hands.”

“That was you father?” she asked.

I nodded and attempted to leave the room, but mom stopped me.

“Sit down, young lady.”

“I’ve got homework,” I said as she grabbed my arm.

“Sit down and hear me out,” she said as if she were begging.

“Fine,” I said in as snotty a tone as I could muster.  I flopped down on the nearest chair and rested my elbows on the kitchen table.  Nana Taffy finally gave up the charade that she was too into cleaning pots and pans to care what was going on.  She joined mom and me at the table.

“I called your father because I was concerned,” mom said.

“I bet,” I said sarcastically.

Nana Taffy didn’t like my tone. She raised her voice at me for the first time that I can remember.  “That’s enough, Hayley Wanda Wilkes.”

I blushed, partly because I was embarrassed that my grandmother had just scolded me and partly because I hated hearing anyone use my middle name.

Mom closed her eyes to gather herself.  She let out a quick breath, opened her eyes, and continued.  “The police have been here twice in the last week.  I don’t feel comfortable exposing you and Grover to that sort of thing.  I just thought it would be better if you stayed with your father for a while, until your uncle can sort this out.”

“You think Uncle Crew did it?”

“No,” she said.  “That’s not it.  Crew would never hurt anyone.  I know that.  I just don’t want you and your brother to have to worry about this sort of thing.  It’s an unusual situation, and to be honest with you, I’m completely confused by it, and I’m an adult.  This can’t be fun for you and your brother.”

I leaned back in the chair.  “Doesn’t matter, anyway.  Dad’s too busy to take us.”

She gently placed her hand on my thigh.  “Honey, your father is an… asshole.”

“Connie!” Nana Taffy shrieked.

“It’s true!” mom said.

Nana Taffy’s face was beet red.  “Of course it’s true, sweetie, but I don’t approve.  Call him a jerk or butt nugget even… I just don’t… please don’t use the ‘A’ double ‘S’ word.”

Mom looked at Nana Taffy cock-eyed.  “Butt nugget?”

“Is that not a term?” Nana Taffy asked apologetically.

Mom turned to me and we both busted out laughing.  We laughed until we started crying, and then mom wrapped me in a bear hug.  “Honey, I just want to do what’s best for you.”

The emotions from the funeral came back in full force.  “You’re what’s best for me,” I said sobbing like a baby.

Nana Taffy couldn’t take it anymore.  She left her chair and placed a strong hand on both our backs.  “My girls,” she said.  “No one goes anywhere.”

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Night of the Living Dead – Part 4

The continuing saga of flesh eating zombies!  Happy Halloween!

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Freaky Search Friday – October 30, 2009 Edition

Jeff George was Jay Cutler before Jay Cutler was Jay Cuter!

This week’s Freaky Search Friday is decidedly less freaky than previous weeks.  There were a lot of shirtless male celebrity searches, and for some reason people want to see Donna Reed and Ed Asner nude.  And apparently identifying animal poop is really a popular activity because it hit the list this week again.  I decided to sprinkle in a few repeat searches that aren’t freaky, but they come up week after week.  I’ll do my best to give these poor souls some answers to their very pressing questions.

10. win a laptop facebook 2009 november – Admittedly, I’m only including this one because it allows me to promote my drawing for a free laptop.  Join the Lost Days Facebook group to learn more!

9. walken ridley – Not freaky.  It just gave me an idea what to name my first child (should I ever have one), Walken Zombie Ridley.  It works for a boy or a girl.  Why Zombie?  Do you have to ask?

8. greatest meltdown ever – I’ve learned two things from this blog.  People want to see as much famous people’s skin as they can, and People love to watch other people suffer.  The greatest thing that could ever happen to society is if a naked celebrity freaks out.  That would be interwebs gold.

7. when are you supposed to take pictures – I find the best time to take pictures is when I have a camera.  I’ve tried it without one, and I was really disappointed in the results… Unless you’re talking about stealing a picture.  In that case, I’d wait until no one’s looking.

6. fantasy clown dresses – Could there possibly be such a thing as a fantasy clown dress?  In what twisted mind would a clown dress be a fantasy?   I think I’d rather see Ed Asner nude.

5. time travel cases – This exact wording comes up over and over again.  Let me clear this up for those of you who are searching for time travel cases.  There are none!  Time travel is impossible.  I am 100% sure about this because if time travel was possible it would have happened already.   Try to follow me on this one.  Logic dictates that once the time travel barrier is broken, time no longer is a barrier to the ability to travel through time, so time travel will always have existed at that point and every point in time.

4 . jay cutler record – Sucks!  This search appears probably about half a dozen times a week.  Jay Cutler has good skills, but he is not a good quarterback.    Unless he checks his ego at the door, he will never be a winner in the NFL.  He has the worst attitude in the NFL since Jeff George.

3. jeff goldblum shirtless jurassic park – This week’s shirtless celebrity is the king of charmingly awkward acting.  Everyone knows that the Jurassic period had the best shirtless celebrities.

2. top 5 world of warcraft meltdowns – I’ve never seen a game cause such Agmas Nefesh.  Meltdowns have become synonymous with World of Warcraft!  I’ve never played, but I feel like I’m suffering from secondary World of Warcraft meltdowns.  I think they should be required to include a warning label with this game.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. jerry seinfeld nude – This week’s nude celebrity is the king of observational humor.   “You ever notice when you’re famous people want to see you nude for some reason?  What is wrong with these people?” (Kind of a mixture of Andy Rooney and Jerry Seinfeld.  My impressions even suck in writing.)

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Things to do today: 1.) Take out the trash. 2.) Pick up dry cleaning. 3.) Fix the publishing industry

a pile of books

Is the publishing industry in a mess?

In recent weeks, the interwebs has been burning up with articles and blog posts about the demise of the traditional publishing industry.   I’m not sure what sparked the current crop of death notices, but I find it fascinating that so many people now find it newsworthy.   The truth is the publishing industry hasn’t been very proficient at selling books for decades now.    To give you an example of this, according to bookstatistics.com, “Simon & Schuster, Random House, and Penguin Putnam wrote off at least $100 million in unearned advances in 1996.”  And from the same website, “Harper-Collins lost more than $250 million in a single year just on returns.” (This is actually pulled from a March/April 2002 New York Times article).

Don’t get me wrong, I love traditional publishers.  They can design the hell out of books, and the editing is as close to flawless as you can get in most traditionally published books.  They even have an eye for talent (keep in mind; they’ve repeatedly turned me down).   Granted, they do make a lot of bonehead moves, like signing, Jay Leno, Johnnie Cochran, Dick Morris, etc to book deals with advances so large they couldn’t possibly earn them back in sales.  Statistically, traditional publishers only earn back the advances on 30% of the titles they publish.  There is a Hail Mary pass mentality in traditional publishing.  Meaning, they publish every book with the mentality that they only have one chance to score and win.  If the Hail Mary fails, they move onto the next book.  If the Hail Mary succeeds, they celebrate and get the book ready for the next phase of the marketing strategy.  They invest in books that succeed.  They do not invest in books to help them succeed.

In my humble opinion, in order for traditional publishing companies to survive in a time when it is increasingly easier for authors to get books to market without them, they are going to have to make the following changes:

1. Abandon mainstream media advertising now.  Stop spending money on print, television, and radio.  It costs too much money, and gets little to no results.  I don’t care who the author is.

2 Do not sign one more author who has never had a book on the market.  Whether the author has been previously traditionally published or self-published, the experience and devotion they bring to the table will far outweigh the current risk you take on writers who just have a manuscript.  Let’s face it; you don’t do a very good job of developing talent.  You can spot it.  You just don’t know what to do with it once you have it.  A publishing deal for a first time author really amounts to nothing more than on the job training that they can put to good use for their second book.  It’s not a great business practice for you.

3. Hire all the editors back you’ve laid off lately.  They are your greatest asset.  Letting them go is kind of like an army deciding to give their soldiers guns without bullets in order to save money.

4. Stop printing large quantities of books.  Forty percent of all books never sell.  That’s a lot of money wasted, not to mention a lot of trees sacrificed for nothing.  Here’s an idea, try cutting initial production by 40% and then shift the titles to a print-on-demand rotation.

5. End the returns program.  The publishing industry adopted a strategy of taking books back from retailers no matter what during the depression in order to survive miserable economic times.  The problem is they never ended the program.  Retailers can send books back for a full refund or credit.  It’s a policy that costs the publisher more than the cost of the book; man hours, storage, and management of the returns program all cost real dollars.  In addition, it costs retailers money to send books back.  No one wins in this scenario.

6.  Stop trying to create news with outrageous deals.  When you sign an author to a seven figure deal, you make a big deal out of it by drowning the media in press releases.  And it is news for about a week.  The problem is it takes you 18 months to get the book to market.   The size of the advance is no longer news.  The marketing value of the big paycheck is gone.

7. Decrease the size of advances on the top end, and stop paying your authors a measly 7.5% to 15% royalty.  Give your authors “benchmark” royalty contracts.  That’s right, reward them based on performance.  Start them off at a 20% royalty for the first 10,000 books.  From there, bump them up to 25% for the next 10,000 and so forth and so on until the author earns 50%.  Instead of the big advance, give them a large post market bonus.  When they sell 1 million books, give them a newsworthy 6 or 7 figure payment against future sales.  Send out your press-releases, get your coverage and sell more books immediately.

8. Your authors should be at the forefront of the marketing efforts for their books, but they should not be the only one marketing their books.  Using my plan, you’ve cut your production by 40% so that means you can cut the number of people on your sales team.  I’ve also cut your advertising budget by totally eliminating mainstream media advertising.  Shift some of these people and resources to create a web 2.0 branding team.  Instead of begging (and paying) for space in brick & mortar stores, their job will be to manage volunteer sales forces (what used to be called fan clubs).  Their sole job will be to ignite word of mouth campaigns through blogging, social media and online video.  They will help the author create and maintain their brand.

9. Don’t just publish books.  Produce films based on your books.  Manage a speaker’s bureau for your authors.  Develop video games based on your books. Create workshops and seminars for your authors.  Become a packaging company.  Negotiate various rights as needed with authors.

10. Make books available for sale quicker.  There is no reason it should take 18 months for a book to make it to market.  You can get it done in 6 months at the latest in most cases.

11.  For books that don’t have time sensitive material, there is no reason to give up on them so quickly.  Be in it for the long haul.  Let the accumulative effect of branding take hold.   Look at books as a long term investments.

12. Publish fewer books for the brick and mortar market.  Physical stores are having a tough time with the inventory they have now.  They don’t need more books.  Reserve the brick and mortar sales channel for those authors who have proven themselves online.  Go ahead and make this a benchmark, too.  If they sell 30,000 books, open up the brick & mortar channel to them.

13. Train your authors in marketing, public speaking, online video production, the market place, their genre, etc.  Help them help you.  Distance learning is a wonderful thing.  Use it to get your author’s up to speed.

There is plenty more that could be done and should be done, but this is the kind of thing that will take baby steps.  Work on these 13 things, and get back to me.

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Are you ready for NaNoWriMo?

nannowrimo

Your ticket to literary insomnia.

No, NaNoWriMo is not a newer, deadlier strain of the Swine flu.  It is, in fact, National Novel Writing Month.  And while I won’t officially be participating this year, I am going to use it as an excuse to crank out the final pages of The Land of the Dead.  You see, NaNoWriMo is not just a month, it’s an event.  The goal for participants is to start a book on November 1, and finish the first draft of the book by November 30.  It sounds insane, but believe it or not, it is very doable.  I pulled this from NaNoWriMo’s website:

National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30.

Valuing enthusiasm and perseverance over painstaking craft, NaNoWriMo is a novel-writing program for everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by the time and effort involved.

Because of the limited writing window, the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It’s all about quantity, not quality. The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly.

Make no mistake: You will be writing a lot of crap. And that’s a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes. To forgo the endless tweaking and editing and just create. To build without tearing down.

As you spend November writing, you can draw comfort from the fact that, all around the world, other National Novel Writing Month participants are going through the same joys and sorrows of producing the Great Frantic Novel. Wrimos meet throughout the month to offer encouragement, commiseration, and—when the thing is done—the kind of raucous celebrations that tend to frighten animals and small children.

In 2008, we had over 120,000 participants. More than 20,000 of them crossed the 50k finish line by the midnight deadline, entering into the annals of NaNoWriMo superstardom forever. They started the month as auto mechanics, out-of-work actors, and middle school English teachers. They walked away novelists.

So, get your keyboards ready.  Brew up a few hundred cups of coffee.  Have your dictionary and thesaurus nearby.  The writing, she is on!

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